This is it. I have found my place to escape. Here I can start out writing, venting about what's bothering me and end up feeling better. Sometimes I write prayer diaries. A lot of times I just write whatever comes out. Those are often random and not well-thought out writings, but it doesn't matter - this is my way to deal. When I was a teenager I would write short stories, poetry... sometimes paint, sketch or draw... maybe even read when I wanted to vent... now I have blogging. Ahhh.... the joy I get from blogging. This is a wonderful thing at least when I feel the way I'm feeling tonight.
Again, my heart is hurting. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I've been praying, reading my Bible, in search of answers on how to deal with my situation at home, but I have no peace right now. I don't know what to do, where to go. Although many people live in a 'blended family' situation, not quite as many have the health problems I do --- my home problems seem to effect my health. Everyone has problems, everyone has pains...I know that. I'm just not sure how much more I can physically/emotionally handle.
It's gotten easier to hide my feelings/pain from people. But the ones that truly know me can see right through what is really going on. Anyway...getting to my situation... my husband's son is going to either be the death of me or is going to break up our marriage. I think either would be fine to him. I know I write a lot about him. I'm just at my wits end. All I know to do is pray and try to do what I think God wants me to do. I don't want him walking all over me --- I was married to a man for 15 years that did that. I'm stronger now - so it's hard for me to 'sit still' and let it go on.
I suppose I'm going to stop now and pray. Pray for strength, guidance...even for the child that seems to despise me. I have nothing else left.
Fibro-girl OUT!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Another Day
Wednesday morning I was moving slow. I could barely move, or walk, for that matter....so I was running a little late for work. I sent my friend, Deb, a text message to tell her I'd be there as soon as I could. As I was driving amist the fog and rain, I was stopped by flashing red lights and a number of cars ahead of me. I was going to be "way late now," I thought, but I didn't realize the extent of what had happened a few minutes before I got there.
I called Deb to tell her there had been a bad accident so I would be even later than I thought. As I drove past the numerous ambulances, police cars and firetrucks, I saw a car that was completely smashed in the front as well as part of a guardrail missing. Deb told me to be careful the rest of the way so I proceeded with caution. I then called my mother because even though I'm 40-years-old, my mother still worries about me. I'm sure I'll be the same way with my kids. Anyway, I told her about the accident and that I was ok. If she would have heard about an accident on that particular road, at that particular time, she could have easily thought it might've been me.
Anyway, as I was having lunch with the ladies I used to work with, I was unaware that my dear friend, Melissa, was trying to call me several times. On our way back to work, I called her back and she told me that the woman in the accident had been a girl she and my sister used to run around with back in high school! The woman had died on the operating table. Her ex-husband is a good friend of ours and their son is in my daughter's classes at school. It really hit home. The bad thing though was initially I thought..."that could have been ME!" Same road, same 'usual' time I'm there.... by God's grace I was late that morning. But all of that changed when it was someone I knew.
It may sound strange to people who do not know God, but I believe He has a plan for each of us. Apparently, I still have some work to do here on earth before He takes me home to heaven. I believe all things have a purpose and even though it's not up to me to question and may never know a reason why. I hate that Sabrena died. I hate that her son has to grow up without a mother. I hate that her mother lost a daughter, her grandmother a grandaughter. Many people lost a friend.
I heard on the local news tonight that over 200 people went to donate blood for her yesterday alone. And although that blood couldn't be used to save her life, it will save numerous others' at some point. It's odd how things happen sometimes. People come and go in our lives all of the time. Some for a little while and they're gone. Some stay for a long time and then leave. Others are with us a short time....some only in passing. But if you think about it, each person we are in contact with affects us one way or another. How we interact with them affects them, too.
Although I'm merely rambling here, what I'm saying is that in one way or another, we make a difference to someone else. It may be a good difference...a life-changing difference. It could be a negative thing, too, at times though. In my work position, I am basically the 'first' impression people get about our campus. If I smile, am friendly and helpful, then for the most part they are going to 'see' us that way. If I am grouchy or seem uncaring, then that person may leave and never come back. God has given me the opportunity to affect people in a positive way - everyday! I am blessed because of that. It is such a good feeling to make a difference in someone's life - one that will help them in the future.
Ok...I'll shut up now. I'm going on and on. Just a bunch of words again, but it helps me. I blog to forget the pain (at least for a little while). Thanks for taking time to read. And for certain friends that may read my blog 'on purpose'....thank you for making a difference in MY life!
Take care.... til' next time....
Fibro-girl OUT!!!!!!
###
I called Deb to tell her there had been a bad accident so I would be even later than I thought. As I drove past the numerous ambulances, police cars and firetrucks, I saw a car that was completely smashed in the front as well as part of a guardrail missing. Deb told me to be careful the rest of the way so I proceeded with caution. I then called my mother because even though I'm 40-years-old, my mother still worries about me. I'm sure I'll be the same way with my kids. Anyway, I told her about the accident and that I was ok. If she would have heard about an accident on that particular road, at that particular time, she could have easily thought it might've been me.
Anyway, as I was having lunch with the ladies I used to work with, I was unaware that my dear friend, Melissa, was trying to call me several times. On our way back to work, I called her back and she told me that the woman in the accident had been a girl she and my sister used to run around with back in high school! The woman had died on the operating table. Her ex-husband is a good friend of ours and their son is in my daughter's classes at school. It really hit home. The bad thing though was initially I thought..."that could have been ME!" Same road, same 'usual' time I'm there.... by God's grace I was late that morning. But all of that changed when it was someone I knew.
It may sound strange to people who do not know God, but I believe He has a plan for each of us. Apparently, I still have some work to do here on earth before He takes me home to heaven. I believe all things have a purpose and even though it's not up to me to question and may never know a reason why. I hate that Sabrena died. I hate that her son has to grow up without a mother. I hate that her mother lost a daughter, her grandmother a grandaughter. Many people lost a friend.
I heard on the local news tonight that over 200 people went to donate blood for her yesterday alone. And although that blood couldn't be used to save her life, it will save numerous others' at some point. It's odd how things happen sometimes. People come and go in our lives all of the time. Some for a little while and they're gone. Some stay for a long time and then leave. Others are with us a short time....some only in passing. But if you think about it, each person we are in contact with affects us one way or another. How we interact with them affects them, too.
Although I'm merely rambling here, what I'm saying is that in one way or another, we make a difference to someone else. It may be a good difference...a life-changing difference. It could be a negative thing, too, at times though. In my work position, I am basically the 'first' impression people get about our campus. If I smile, am friendly and helpful, then for the most part they are going to 'see' us that way. If I am grouchy or seem uncaring, then that person may leave and never come back. God has given me the opportunity to affect people in a positive way - everyday! I am blessed because of that. It is such a good feeling to make a difference in someone's life - one that will help them in the future.
Ok...I'll shut up now. I'm going on and on. Just a bunch of words again, but it helps me. I blog to forget the pain (at least for a little while). Thanks for taking time to read. And for certain friends that may read my blog 'on purpose'....thank you for making a difference in MY life!
Take care.... til' next time....
Fibro-girl OUT!!!!!!
###
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
My Day
It began as a dreary day, but ended on somewhat of a cheerful note - at least at work. It was gloomy and rainy this morning so I thought that was a prelude of what was to come. We had two new student orientations today and that means I am left in the office alone most of the day so I'm very busy for the most part. I like it though. It keeps my mind off of pain, off other cares and makes the day go by more quickly.
We did get some wonderful news today though about a good friend of mine. She found out about two weeks ago that she has breast cancer. After many tests and doctor visits she went to day to find out the results... had the cancer spread anywhere else within her body? By the grace of God, the cancer hadn't spread any further than her breast! She still has to have a mastectomy, chemo and reconstructive surgery fairly soon, but the fact that it had gone no further was a true blessing. She is going to be fine after a few 'bumps in the road.' We've all been praying so hard for her and I am again reminded of the Sovreignity of God. He is in control and prayer does work!!! No one can ever convince me any differently. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's hand was in her situation. I am so thankful that He has given her a chance to watch her granddaughter grow for (prayerfully) many more years. (Thank you, Lord!)
When I got home tonight, my dear husband had again cooked dinner for me. He's very sweet about doing things like that for me when he is not out driving the truck. He knows how I struggle during the day and when I get home most evenings, I don't have much energy to do much more. He helps me more than he knows. I am grateful for him and that he does what he can for me.Things have been a little stressful at home though over the last few months. Not only do I feel like a burden a lot of times because of the pain I endure and all, but dealing with things on top of the fibro makes it even worse. I sometimes feel like he would have been better off not to have married me - it was before we knew how sick I truly was. Now I feel he would at times be better off not to have such a burden around.
Being in a blended family is hard. I'm sure many people struggle with being a 'step' parent occasionally, but this last year has been tremendously hard on my health. Stress is not good for anyone - that's a fact. It's especially hard when you have a compromised immune system. The things that I've had to deal with being a step-mother is at times more that I feel I can bare. If God hadn't been right with me, I'm not sure what I would have done.To briefly (yet as anonymously as I can) describe what I've been dealing with on top of my health issues, my youngest step-son (almost 16) has put us through the ringer. He began lying (and became VERY good at it), made up illnesses (was in a mental hospital THREE times since this January), got caught doing marijuana, called the police on my husband for "abusing" him for starters. Although my husband only smacked his mouth when his son began cursing him and pushing him, the kid runs off and calls the police to file charges against his father.
The good thing is that Law Enforcement is trained to see when children are full of crap to put it bluntly. He admitted to the officer he had smoked pot within the last few days before the incident happened. The officer told him we had a right to discipline him the way we saw fit when he was being unruly. That phone call led to investigations by DHS and DCS to our home to make sure we weren't "abusive." I mean really!!!!!!!!! All this because the kid had his cell phone taken away. What a mess.Not to go into any more details (right now) about it, this has caused a tremendous strain on our marriage. I mean, honestly, my husband SHOULD put his child before me - I would expect no less from him. But, when the child is undisciplined and unruly, there needs to be ground rules...especially when I am here with the child alone while his father is gone half of the week on the road.
It's very hard. It's very discouraging. I try to treat his boys the way I treat my own children. I admit - I am much stricter than he is with them. But at least I know where my children are at all times and I know who they are with and for the most part what they are doing. They have never given me a reason to distrust them the way this kid has.I'm hurt because I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. My husband makes disciplinary decisions without any input from me most times. That would be fine if he were here every night. But he isn't. I am left to deal with a child that one day tells me he loves me and the next is actually plotting to kill me (he has told people that in confidence). It's scary. My health is bad enough without having to live this way.
I love my husband and his boys, but while I am struggling to get up in the mornings, go to work...I have to come home to a home I feel I have no say so in decisions whatsoever....at least with his children. The eldest is 19 and a GREAT kid, hard-working, respectful and does help me when his father is gone. It is just so hard sometimes I want to run away and hide from the world. But this is real life. I can't do that. God has a reason for me going through these things. I just have to have faith enough to know He will help me along the way.
Oh wow...enough rattling tonight. I think I'll go watch the 'British' shows I love to watch on Tuesday nights. BBC on cable is awesome! Take care...thanks for reading and allowing me to vent. Blogging is 'da bomb!'
Fibro-girl out!###
Publish Post
It began as a dreary day, but ended on somewhat of a cheerful note - at least at work. It was gloomy and rainy this morning so I thought that was a prelude of what was to come. We had two new student orientations today and that means I am left in the office alone most of the day so I'm very busy for the most part. I like it though. It keeps my mind off of pain, off other cares and makes the day go by more quickly.
We did get some wonderful news today though about a good friend of mine. She found out about two weeks ago that she has breast cancer. After many tests and doctor visits she went to day to find out the results... had the cancer spread anywhere else within her body? By the grace of God, the cancer hadn't spread any further than her breast! She still has to have a mastectomy, chemo and reconstructive surgery fairly soon, but the fact that it had gone no further was a true blessing. She is going to be fine after a few 'bumps in the road.' We've all been praying so hard for her and I am again reminded of the Sovreignity of God. He is in control and prayer does work!!! No one can ever convince me any differently. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's hand was in her situation. I am so thankful that He has given her a chance to watch her granddaughter grow for (prayerfully) many more years. (Thank you, Lord!)
When I got home tonight, my dear husband had again cooked dinner for me. He's very sweet about doing things like that for me when he is not out driving the truck. He knows how I struggle during the day and when I get home most evenings, I don't have much energy to do much more. He helps me more than he knows. I am grateful for him and that he does what he can for me.Things have been a little stressful at home though over the last few months. Not only do I feel like a burden a lot of times because of the pain I endure and all, but dealing with things on top of the fibro makes it even worse. I sometimes feel like he would have been better off not to have married me - it was before we knew how sick I truly was. Now I feel he would at times be better off not to have such a burden around.
Being in a blended family is hard. I'm sure many people struggle with being a 'step' parent occasionally, but this last year has been tremendously hard on my health. Stress is not good for anyone - that's a fact. It's especially hard when you have a compromised immune system. The things that I've had to deal with being a step-mother is at times more that I feel I can bare. If God hadn't been right with me, I'm not sure what I would have done.To briefly (yet as anonymously as I can) describe what I've been dealing with on top of my health issues, my youngest step-son (almost 16) has put us through the ringer. He began lying (and became VERY good at it), made up illnesses (was in a mental hospital THREE times since this January), got caught doing marijuana, called the police on my husband for "abusing" him for starters. Although my husband only smacked his mouth when his son began cursing him and pushing him, the kid runs off and calls the police to file charges against his father.
The good thing is that Law Enforcement is trained to see when children are full of crap to put it bluntly. He admitted to the officer he had smoked pot within the last few days before the incident happened. The officer told him we had a right to discipline him the way we saw fit when he was being unruly. That phone call led to investigations by DHS and DCS to our home to make sure we weren't "abusive." I mean really!!!!!!!!! All this because the kid had his cell phone taken away. What a mess.Not to go into any more details (right now) about it, this has caused a tremendous strain on our marriage. I mean, honestly, my husband SHOULD put his child before me - I would expect no less from him. But, when the child is undisciplined and unruly, there needs to be ground rules...especially when I am here with the child alone while his father is gone half of the week on the road.
It's very hard. It's very discouraging. I try to treat his boys the way I treat my own children. I admit - I am much stricter than he is with them. But at least I know where my children are at all times and I know who they are with and for the most part what they are doing. They have never given me a reason to distrust them the way this kid has.I'm hurt because I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. My husband makes disciplinary decisions without any input from me most times. That would be fine if he were here every night. But he isn't. I am left to deal with a child that one day tells me he loves me and the next is actually plotting to kill me (he has told people that in confidence). It's scary. My health is bad enough without having to live this way.
I love my husband and his boys, but while I am struggling to get up in the mornings, go to work...I have to come home to a home I feel I have no say so in decisions whatsoever....at least with his children. The eldest is 19 and a GREAT kid, hard-working, respectful and does help me when his father is gone. It is just so hard sometimes I want to run away and hide from the world. But this is real life. I can't do that. God has a reason for me going through these things. I just have to have faith enough to know He will help me along the way.
Oh wow...enough rattling tonight. I think I'll go watch the 'British' shows I love to watch on Tuesday nights. BBC on cable is awesome! Take care...thanks for reading and allowing me to vent. Blogging is 'da bomb!'
Fibro-girl out!###
Publish Post
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